Monday, September 27, 2010
Happiness is a warm gun or is it a gray line?
Okay so this one is a little different. Warning, I may express some personal feelings, that doesn't mean I am right, it's just what I think.
So happiness has always been a gray line for me. It has always been this thing that I can adjust, don't recognize or move around to suit myself at the time. When Tyler and I started dating I didn't quite know where the happiness line was, I was just getting back on my feet, and I was getting back to normal people life after having been in Chile. It was a great experience, the best, but coming home from Chile was kind of like coming down off a drug. It sucked. I didn't want to be in Provo. I didn't think I wanted to move, a lot of different things were happening and I felt like I needed to make some huge change, but I didn't know what that was. Plus I didn't have any money so I needed to figure my crap out, and fast. So I stayed where I was and tried to figure things out because leaving hadn't helped things in the first place. (Although I felt great about it, I had to come back.)
So, yes, I stayed in Provo, Utah. I lived with my sister and brother in law who ever so kindly (basically I mean I owe them my first born child) let me live at their house during this time. I was around my family again all the time and got back to the happiness that I wanted. Now enter Tyler. I did not want to date him really. You can ask him, I kind of held back and I didn't make any sense of it. But, one night I had an emotional break down. Enter the decision to date him. He handled it exactly like I could have wanted. He didn't ask a million questions, he just was there at 2 AM and he was great about it. I realized that the gray line wasn't gray everywhere. Happiness is pretty black and white for me, but in relationships (every kind of relationship, friendships and even with my family), that little line was put there so I could create happiness from nothing if I needed to. Tyler wasn't like that. He needed happiness at the time and so did I. So we made a batch of happiness, threw in some fun and we were set.
Now today I realize that this is weird and that maybe not everyone has it happen like that. But, when someone hands you antidepressants at the age of 16 you try and find another way to happy land because pills really don't do it sometimes. (This is my opinion for me, I think medication is great and if you are on it, stay that way. I know the repercussions of some people not taking their pills and I don't like those either). But, I knew that getting married was the right thing because of happiness. When I am happy I am happy. This doesn't mean that everyday we wake up and whip up some rainbows and butterflies for breakfast cause that is disgusting and no one is always happy. But, being married has made me throw out the gray line all together. It's all black and white for me and that is nice. No more complicating things by trying to convince myself I am happy. I just am.
So there's a little story. If it makes sense at all. And no, I don't think that all happy pills are bad, but coming from a medical standpoint it's not the same as the real thing for me. (See the for me part at the end of the sentence.)